It’s been roughly four weeks since I started blogging and all things social, so I thought what could be more perfect than to have a monthly catch up about why fashion has become close to my heart. I’m sorry for the lengthy post and rambling on!
Firstly, my mum was great at guiding me to wear more conservative clothing. Elegance was her style, and that soon rubbed off onto me and most crucially, I remember her telling me I should always wear some sort of vest under my crop tops. I never actually understood why as it defeated the objective of a crop top. I can still cringily picture myself in those latest awful high top trainers, very bright graphic tee’s and those blue jeggings where the elastic went and I would still continue to wear them (even if that meant I’d be walking around like Miss saggy bum). UGH god what was I thinking.. But with mum, her bright pink lipstick, platinum blonde curls and womanBOSS style soon started to give me a new perspective of fashion and I was eager to explore more. She wore the most AMAZING wool coats and scarves during winter, she knew every girl that stood behind her favourite Clinique counter, and she’d also purchase stunning dresses for a girls night out, I really envied that, and I still do. She is also an amazing nurse who has dedicated her whole life to caring for everyone, she is a true inspiration to me, and she will always be my foxy mum as well..
The second reason I turned to fashion is one that can be perceived positively as well as negatively. This story sums up a brief view on my life over the last few years, I’m not sensitive to talking about it so I will try to keep it punctual and to the point.
I transferred high school like a lot of kids my age did, when I was approaching year 9. I took that gamble when my parents wanted to move house, and with my approval, we all thought it’d be easier for everyone (somehow even for myself). I was never an “it girl”, I wasn’t popular, never had huge groups of friends, normally just a few close friends and that was what I was happy with. Unfortunately, my first day at this new school was awful. It was about 1/4 of the size of my previous school and that was dreadful when all you want to do is mix in and be invisible. I found myself being put on this awful pedestal because I’d got on with the boys much better than a lot of the girls. I was sporty, opinionated, and open about things which I wish I wasn’t, as that fueled so many girls to really dislike me. I felt isolated and alone most of the time as I struggled to find somebody that understood me. Vile names, pushing, shoving, confrontations and throwing things at me, I was delighted to experience not just by girls in my year, but two years above, the year above and some even boys! This school was a different kettle of fish I was used to. “Bullying” if that is even what it was, I had never seen before..
Thinking back, I could have helped myself and tried to be like them or stopped being so keen to learn (of all the things lol) as I felt that angered them so much. I was a top set girl, getting attention from the boys and teachers really liked to hear about the things I’ve done in my life. I was a fortunate young girl, I never had family problems or anything, my parents had good jobs, my grandparents took me on holidays in Europe every year to see family, but I began to think that everyone was like me, but when you hear and see things, that’s never the case. I was naive. But at the same time, I’m so glad I never stopped being myself as in just a few years on, they haven’t really gone very far and once you accept that people that name-call, embarrass and do all those petty things, after high school it really does begin to clear over and make you feel more confident.
There was something that didn’t help my situation, and that was in my last year, a few months before my final GCSE exams, I was rushed to hospital with this weird fast heart rate. I’d never felt anything so strange in my life! I am mildly asthmatic and I thought I was having some crazy attack, but that wasn’t the case..
Before I reached the hospital, I was walking around for an hour trying to find a teacher to get some help. I went to the girls toilets, alone, and tried calling mum and dad about what to do. Nobody understood what was happening and it was until mum told my head of house to feel my pulse, and at that point I was ready to collapse on the floor.
I was extremely dizzy and I remember laying in the medic room with the school PCSO, head teacher, head of house and paramedic hearing them all talk about what was happening. My heart rate had flipped into tachycardia at over 300 bpm in a second. I was about to start my weekly triple PE lesson but I had done no exercise to cause this to happen. I was pale, clammy, struggling to breathe, dizzy, chest pains, UGH it was awful.
Once I reached the hospital, my heart stopped beating for a second and all of a sudden was beating at my normal, resting heart rate. It was so strange to hear it happen on those big monitor machines.. my mum was very quick to get me seen and start taking beta blockers for an undiagnosed condition, which helped massively. I would have episodes of all severities several times in my last few months. I constantly had what’s known as palpitations when I’d bend over, walk up stairs, run, carry heavy things and even the cold would flip it into this rhythm i found hard to reverse. I was later diagnosed with the common condition, SVT. My cardiologist straight away told me i needed a surgery to cure it, as my problem was that I’m considered way too young to suffer with it. My family have a history of heart conditions and that is why I got mine so early on. There have been traces that I had it from the age of 12.. hence why they were quick to operate. I ended up waiting several months for my official date and in that time, I had more trips to hospital, different beta blockers and loads of annoying side effects.
I very quickly became used to the fuss teachers gave me, but unfortunately, I didn’t want everyone at school to see it as a plot for attention. I wasn’t allowed to continue my favourite PE lessons (but luckily I was graded on previous mock exams and had a verbal test instead) and I had my own room with an invigilator to monitor my every move with my heart. I remember sitting in the PE hall, watching everyone prepare for their exams and my heart went crazy… again…
I was okay, I had two close friends run to me and called the paramedic (again) and I was in safe hands, but because it’s the heart, I wasn’t allowed to move off the bench, so everyone in the hall had to sit in the changing rooms until I was ok. Ohh my god, I cannot believe this one girl who was always having a problem with me decided to spread death wish comments around and inevitably they reached me!
I ended up spending most of my last year of high school at home, quietly revising, hidden from the world. And it was because of this time off, that I spent more and more time browsing, researching, reading all about the likes of; Gucci, Chanel, RL, Topshop and more. I experimented with trends in my own home, with the help of mum of course, and I started becoming obsessive over fashion (particularly high end).
So, in a vague kinda way, being felt like I couldn’t walk into school allowed me to have an interest outside of everything and everyone and that has spurred me on to create this blog. My lovely boyfriend was my biggest fan at the start (hopefully still is) and he wanted me to pursue it more than even I did. I felt my knowledge, skills and unpopular self was not enough to ever have a career in this niche subject.
I think it’s important to remember that I didn’t wake up one day and decide to enjoy fashion, it always interested me but with social media, you see fashion on a huge scale and it most definitely scared me off. It’s not about the likes or follows, it’s about doing what YOU enjoy. Nobody thinks exactly like you do, so use that to your advantage and be creative!
*(just incase you wanted to know, I had my heart worked on and it was unsuccessful the first time, and 3 months later I had it again and I’m still in the post-surgery period but I’m coping much better)*
THANK YOU all so much for listening to me ramble on and thank you for your continuing support!